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Looking for girlfriend > 40 years > My boyfriend is depressed about his divorce

My boyfriend is depressed about his divorce

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Those are very personal decisions. Most experts agree that a recent divorce is one that happened within the last year or two. Divorces, like men, come in all shapes, sizes, and situations. Here are some questions to consider:. Did he leave her?

SEE VIDEO BY TOPIC: Marriage and Mental Illness: FAQs on how I cope

SEE VIDEO BY TOPIC: Dr. Denney - Male Depression

Men After Divorce: Ego, Self Esteem, & Recovery

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FAQ on Coronavirus and Mefi : check before posting, cite sources; how to block content by tags. What are the appropriate emotions for an ex during and after divorce? What are the emotions one goes through after divorce and what sacrifices are required on my part? It's a little long - thanks in advance for reading. My boyfriend just finalized his divorce from his ex-wife. They have known each other close to 20 years: dated for 3 years, broke up and dated other people for 6 years, and got back in touch and married lasted 10 years.

They do not have children. The reason for the divorce is that, while being good friends, they wanted different things from a relationship. After campaigning for change and putting up with this arrangement for 6 years, he asked her for the final time whether she really desired to build a real relationship and make it work, or if she wanted to separate. She chose the latter. He and I started dating several months later and, to date, have been together for 16 months. Initially I was hesitant to date him because I didn't want to be a rebound.

However, I also recognize that people and circumstances vary, and while rebounds are statistically likely, sometimes you meet an exception. I believed that my boyfriend was an exception. He pursued me in a way that a man does when he is very interested in serious relationship, he was up front with me about his ex and his divorce, he took responsibility for his part in the divorce, he didn't smear his previous relationship by the way, this is a huge one for me - can't stand people who smear someone they've professed to love once , constantly talks about and is excited about our future together, and generally make me feel very loved through words and actions.

So what's the problem? The divorce was just finalized and the process has stirred some emotions in him. I have not been married or divorced, so I can't really understand. I happened to see a note he had written her just a few hours after the divorce was finalized - an emotionally raw time, I guess - and it said that he really didn't want to divorce, but in the end it was the right thing to do because they were separated for so long and because he couldn't make her happy.

He also says that even if he remarries, he wants her to remain in his life. He feels like she is a part of his family and love will always remain. He talks about sharing too much history for them not to be in each other's lives anymore and how he hopes that she feels the same way.

People say that even the most amicable divorce is always painful and that emotions run intense, but even so, this isn't an indication that the people divorcing want to reconcile. On one hand, I understand his sense of loss, but on another, I am stunned and hurt.

How many people who are divorcing tell their ex that love will always remain? How many people who are divorcing tell their ex, who they don't share children with, that there's too much history and they want to remain in each other's lives?

By the way, I don't think of myself as a very jealous person and don't mind them staying in touch once in a while and catching up, but "love always" seems a little much! What should I do? I am impressed with inputs given by MeFi - mature, thoughtful responses shaped by diverse life experiences. Thank you very much!

I don't think this is uncommon. It sounds like he really loved her, but it just wasn't reciprocated. He was with her for 20 years. He's not going to be over her soon. At the same time, it also doesn't sound like he's going to get back together with her. This is a guy that's been starved for love and affection for years. She won't or can't give it to him. Can you? I have never been married. There are ex-boyfriends I will always love. J married and has a kid now.

His wife hates me, and thus we've been mostly out of contact for years, minus facebook and the like. But he was a grand love, my first real partnership kind of relationship, and if he showed up on my doorstep tomorrow looking for a place to stay, he'd be welcome. I love the guy, always will. We've moved on; I have no interest in a romantic relationship with him whatsoever, but he's one of the few who's always welcome back in to my life.

Much like your boyfriend and his exwife, our split wasn't about lack of love, but lack of compatibility. Ultimately, I think you should take a deep breath. If you're old enough to be dating someone who's ending a 10 year marriage with 10 years of history beforehand, everyone you date is going to have previous relationships. Not all will be so present and at the surface as this divorce is, but everyone with 20 years of relationship history has past loves and past losses under their belt.

You're unlikely to be someone's first love ever again. He sounds like a keeper to me! He is sad about the end of the relationship but recognizes even at that moment that it is the right thing to do. He is a loyal friend and respectful ex to someone who sounds like she wasn't really capable of being the wife that he wanted. Pretty much, all those things that you like about him are showing up in the way he is breaking up.

Assuming that you are not rushing into marriage with him, I think you should see this as more evidence of why you love him. As long as their relationship remain appropriate for a friendly non-intimate relationship, just accept it as part of his past. My ex-boyfriend who I was with after my ex-husband and I also felt quite similar upon splitting up. I'm still friends with both of them. They both have moved on to other long-term committed relationships my ex-husband is remarried, actually , as have I.

I'm in touch with both of them now and then; my SO knows about them, and their SO's know about me. The thing is, people can love each other and, simultaneously, not be able to move forward together in a committed partnership.

It sucks, it's painful, it's hard. It also doesn't mean the break up isn't the right thing to do, and that the parties involved aren't capable of loving and committing to other people.

He seems lovely. Do you love him? If so, love him. Don't be jealous because he's a nice person. They're divorced and he's with you. In my experience my marriage and my father's first marriage it's common. My father's first wife who he left for my mother was a good woman, a good friend of my father's. He had his first heart-attack during his 2nd marriage and his first wife bought him a TV a very expensive and thoughtful gesture in the late s. Heck she even gave my mother part of her inheritance from my estranged paternal grandmother.

In my case I know I will always love my first husband and I would help him out if ever he asked. I loved the guy. Just cos he didn't cut the grade as a husband doesn't mean he's a bad dude or worse, unlovable. I feel like confronting him about my feelings on this Sweetie, it's always hard being the next relationship after a divorce. If the divorce was unwanted then the worry that we are not her may be very strong. But please don't 'confront' him with how you feel - discuss it sure but remember that it is your attitude that needs to change in this situation, not his, if you want him to love you too.

I agree with those above. In fact, I still love the majority of my exes. I feel a deep gratitude and connection to them. We shared ourselves deeply at key periods of our life. I'll probably send love out to some on my deathbed. And these are people I didn't marry! I strongly feel that certain relationships become almost sacred, and one's ability to do right towards those people is a crucial part of one's sense of personal honor.

Asking him to not feel that way or not help her in an emergency is like asking someone to curse their mother and spit on her grave, or something. If you love him, you have to grant him the space to behave in a way that honors this connection that is near-sacred to him. But they are no longer married.

She is his ex-wife, emphasis on ex-. Their connection is still strong, but it is becoming something else. Meanwhile, as you and he get to know and love one another, your bond is deepening. Yes, you are new in his life; you would have a new and only-beginning-to-deepen connection with anyone you started to date rather recently.

Everything is fine. I would trust him. I would also be generous in giving him whatever emotional space he needs to adjust during this transition. He seems like an emotionally articulate person. Ask him how he's feeling now it's over and how you can help.

Maybe a ritual would be good, or maybe the letter already was his closure ritual.

Dear Therapist: My Boyfriend Is Going Through a Divorce

Sign up for the Divorced Girl Smiling newsletter to receive weekly articles that might help you during and after your divorce! When people think of depression, they usually picture women more than men. Think postpartum or menopause. But depression in men is a very serious subject, and much more common than people think. Furthermore, a depressed husband can cause big problems in a marriage.

Millions of Americans have a substance use disorder. Help is available. Find alcohol, drug, or mental health treatment facilities and programs around the country at findtreatment.

A little background first. He was separated at the time. We fell hard, fast. Within 2 months he was asking me to move in. I questioned him many times if he was sure.

Avoiding Post-Divorce Depression

You may feel overwhelmed, confused, helpless to do anything. You take the brunt of the punishing anger or indifference that is all your partner can give you. What can you do to keep yourself together? There are thousands of men and women who have lived through this struggle or are in the midst of it right now. They have a lot of insight and share their painful stories in face-to-face support groups as well as online communities. The members of one of the oldest of the online forums, Depression Fallout , report over and over again that the support of such groups has been a mainstay for dealing with their depressed partners. Communities like these might be a good starting point for you as well. Here are 10 ideas drawn from the experience of people who have had to live with depressed partners as well as from my own experience as a depressed partner. Take care of yourself as well as you can. The obstacles are huge since your partner is right there and depression is now part of your life.

10 Ways to Help Yourself When Your Partner Is Depressed

He and his ex had been separated for almost two years, and we have been dating for nearly one year. I know that he loves me and is relieved that the ordeal of his divorce is finally over. However, he seems a little depressed and anxious now. I wonder what I can do to help him deal with things.

Divorce is a profound, life-changing experience. But at some point, it should be over.

Updated: January 10, Reader-Approved References. No one said that helping a man get over a divorce was easy — especially if you're falling for him. However, if you really have a connection with the man, then you should make sure he's really over the divorce by talking to him about it, being a source of comfort and support, and doing new things with him. You should also make sure to be patient with him and take it slow so he has time to process everything that happened to him.

When Depressed Husbands Refuse Help

Ashamed, sad, and alone — this is how many men feel after a divorce, separation, or tough breakup. It can be one of the most stressful life events we ever deal with especially when children are involved. A lot a guys unfairly internalize the breakdown of a relationship as a sign of weakness or a failure on their part.

In the meantime, enjoy the Dear Therapist archive and send Lori your questions, big and small, at dear. Eventually he apologized and explained that he had been afraid of losing me, and I forgave him. He would promise to do a specific task at a certain time but then continuously forget to do it. Eventually he agreed to keep her away after I got a therapist to help us. In the meantime, we were otherwise incredibly happy and in love with each other and set up a lot of important building blocks for our future together. Now that the divorce is surely going to be concluded in the coming six months, I am flooded with feelings of doubt about the relationship because it feels like we never really healed from that initial breach of trust, and I am afraid of what all the subsequent broken promises might reveal about our compatibility.

How to Avoid Getting Your Heart Broken When Dating a Recently Divorced Man

It is no secret that the tumultuous process creates an incredible amount of stress, but the problems really begin to escalate when this leads to conditions that are more serious. Depression is a fairly common and potentially debilitating mental health condition that impacts every aspect of your life, and the chances of falling into a depression increase greatly following a divorce. However, there are steps you can take to mitigate your chances of suffering from depression after the end of your marriage, and it begins with identifying your risk level. Studies have found a greatly increased risk of depression for those going through divorce, which is even more of a problem for men who are nearly twice as likely to suffer from post-divorce depression as women. While every person deals with significant and sudden life changes differently, you can be sure almost everyone going through divorce will feel some form of loss and confusion. There are many factors that likely contribute to the fact that men have a significantly higher rate of depression after a divorce than women, which include:.

Depression is a fairly common and potentially debilitating mental health condition that impacts every aspect of your life, and the chances of falling into a.

FAQ on Coronavirus and Mefi : check before posting, cite sources; how to block content by tags. What are the appropriate emotions for an ex during and after divorce? What are the emotions one goes through after divorce and what sacrifices are required on my part? It's a little long - thanks in advance for reading. My boyfriend just finalized his divorce from his ex-wife.

To the outside world, Emme lived a charmed life. She was a successful model, creative director of her own clothing line, a television host, lecturer, and mother of a beautiful baby girl. Phillip Aronson, the wonderful man she married, found himself in a downward spiral of depression, even attempting suicide at one point to escape his pain. Phil was always an energetic partner, excited to go to work each morning either to the showroom to check on the latest graphic designs for the Emme line or to attend meetings about some new project.

About a year ago, I wrote a series of posts about my experience with the fantasies of a better life that often prompt depressed men to leave their families. You can find the first of those stories here , here and here. Those brief pieces tell only a small part of a long and troubling story.

To some, divorce can be a release.

I bought your book Dating the Divorced Man , and thought it was a great book. He was married with 2 children and had been having many problems with his wife for many years. After several months, I did become attracted to him and I stopped being his friend. He understood.



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